My TV was broken

CBS Sportsline:


c) Yes: It sucked balls.
d) No: And I'm pissed. Next time you can drive yourself to the hospital, Eric.

Suggestion: Ask them.

CNN.com:


Also, why is it assumed that the Clinton support was mainly a woman thing or that her gender was the primary reason people voted for her in the primaries? I mean, I know women are cliquish and herd with their own kind and are intimidated by men and emotional and bad at math, but I think it's disrespectful to assume that gender was the only reason women supported Clinton.

You wanna rethink that order? Maybe?

CBS Sportsline:

More than a smidgen, less than a shitload

CNN.com:

Nielsen projects a cable rating of X.Y with an N.Z% share.

Nothing short of the chair

Atlanta's News/Talk 750, WSB Radio:

d) What they did was malicious and horrible, but as the Lord said, "Turn the other cheek."

Ambivalence is for queers

From News 14 Carolina:

So incendiary that no one wants to answer, apparently...

Early disclaimer

As you can see from the post times below, this blog is but a few days old. Before going any further with it, a few things...

Why I started this blog:

1) I have to credit blogs like this, this, and this as inspiration since I'm essentially stealing their schtick, only with way less effort.

2) I think voluntary response polls are stupid.

3) I think every statistician, scientist, sociologist, scientologist, etc. in the world knows that voluntary response polls are stupid.

4) I think a lot of people take the results of voluntary response polls seriously, even though they're completely bogus.

5) Even granting that voluntary response polls offer proper insight to public opinion (which I don't but for the sake of argument...), most have superduper obvious flaws that would render them useless even with proper sampling.

6) I find these flaws extremely amusing and worthy of the time it takes me to screen-capture and mock them.

Hater Guy: "Wow. You're a huge, huge nerd."

Ok, that's hurtful, and you're mean. But yes, I am. I should also acknowledge right up front that the idea of mocking polls is very limited, which means one of three things will happen:

A) I'll hit on all the recurring flaws of internet polls (e.g. leading questions, things that aren't opinions but predictions, exclusion of valid responses) very quickly and shut this blog down by October;

B) I'll limit my posts to the most flagrantly idiotic examples and only post every week or so; or

C) With the help of reader participation, I'll post constantly, recycling the same joke formulas (adapted to context) multiple times per week, knowing that people will put up with repetition for a long time before tuning out.

To get rid of the blank space, I have been / will be posting frequently to start, using any example I can find regardless of quality or humor value. I intend for that to change. However, I didn't wanna be telling people, "Hey, check out my new blog!" and then have them find a single shitty post. My goal, now and always, is to guarantee my readers lots of shitty posts.

Lastly, I'm pretty lazy (hence a blog where I'll rarely have to write more than 25 words at a time). So while I'll be sifting the net for random poll sources, I'll no doubt be dipping into that bottomless bad poll well ESPN.com, which has an entire section of their site dedicated to bad polls. Again, reader participation can help alter that. Just be warned.

Not an option: "Someone else"

CBS Sportsline:

WolverineFan4567516571 says:

hey wheres the respect for us??? wer'e better then fucking sparty all day the only "upset' will be if cheating buckeyes win the big10, cheating cock tressle can suck my cock. also this polls retarted, teams cna't be 'upsets' games are upsets. cbs is all buckeye fans sucking tressels cock

Prime numbers need not apply

CNN.com:

If you want my own opinion, 19 would be the ideal age, at least as a starting point with the hope of phasing out the drinking age entirely. But... as this poll makes painfully clear, my opinion doesn't count.

Are you (a) Tom Brady, (b) an orthopedic surgeon, (c) a soothsayer, or (d) all of the above?

ESPN.com:

As of post time, 49 of the 59 voters from Massachusetts have replied "No." Obviously, they know something the rest of us don't.

Gray areas are for the weak

CBS Sportsline:
c) I believe destiny is something we control. However, I do not think the Giants will repeat as champions.